Hi ya folks. Back again with a wry look at a blockbuster film I caught out there on the ether.

You know what I really like?

You don’t.

Well I’ll tell you. A nice 3 litre box of cheap red wine, a fat, raw black pudding and a good vampire flick. Actually I lied, I can’t stand wine and being a Jew black pudding is a no no. But hey I’ll lie, just like the makers of Daybreakers cos it ain’t a good vampire flick.

The premise had such potential. The year is 2019 which for those of you who don’t care for calendars that’s the future. You know a time where phones don’t have cords and TV goes past midnight. Oh no shit that’s now, I’m still stuck in the 70s. Anyway I digress it’s the future and the planet is populated by vampires you know those pretty traditional ones, drink blood, suffer severe melanoma (Actually this is an Australian made film, maybe it’s a documentary about Aussies.), explode with stakes in the heart, some of them even went to Bela Lugosi’s school of vampire etiquette, especially Sam Neill. It seems the best thing about this future is that vampires live forever making it….. Now wait for it. Making it cool to smoke again and boy do they smoke, everyone smokes so much in this film I’m surprised it doesn’t come with a message from the surgeon general and a picture of someone with their throat turned inside out. Sadly it’s not the future yet, smoking comes before a long, painful death and you still have to do it in the pissing rain.

Anyway vampires everywhere, driving cars, drinking posh Italian coffees with extra blood, catching the subway and taking their vampire kids to sports to watch overpaid vampires play them. The problem is there are so many vampires they are running out of food. Humans are being farmed for their blood but they are getting less and less. Obviously they never met me ma because she would have forced them to eat liver, because it is good for your blood.

The plot is a blah, blah thriller, sci fi, horror do da that just can’t hold it together. Ethan Hawke is a Haematologist (some sort of a blood doctor for those of us who only got a YTS in lawn mowing.) who is a reluctant vampire that wants to save what’s left of the human race. The survivors’ leader, ex-vampire Daniel Defoe who it seems based his face on Guy Fawkes Is a boring ex-vamp

There are 3 main issues I have with this film. Firstly everyone who is a vampire seems to have forgotten only a little while back they were potential food. They just don’t seem to acknowledge that the person who was human who has become a vampire is still them. OK maybe that is a little picky. The next one is a bit way out there as well. OK I am a simple person but all this stuff gets in the way of suspending my disbelief of things. What I felt about the whole thing is it tried to explain this in some quasi-scientific way. I can’t put my finger on it UV, Haematology (which sounds like some expensive rich peoples religion.) but it just seemed like they were trying to justify stuff with science. This just ain’t necessary, science is theory’s and formulas and crap while vampires are legends. You know what I mean? Understanding stuff about DNA doesn’t really give you any insight in to the mating habits of trolls.

Anyway if you don’t like those 2 reasons for not liking it you’ll love the third. The third act is crap. The plot goes all over the place then decides to abandon the film. Everything just get stupid and confusing which I think the film makers knew because by this point they said what the hell is going on and decided just to kill lots of stuff. This turned it in to a vampire film done in the style of a zombie flick.

My advice stay away from cheap wine, blood pudding and this flick.

As always love and kisses


Author: Adrin Neatrour

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